If you haven’t had the chance to read my last article and you’re wondering why I would want to self-identify as some strange Poly-Saurus, I would say “A Beginners Guide to Polyamorous Relationships” would be a good place to start!
How I Came to Polyamory
As I mentioned briefly in my last article; I came to be poly mostly by accident. I had gone through another of many difficult break-ups in my life and was feeling frustrated, confused and displaced by the thought of trying to get back on the perpetual spinning wheel that is monogamy. If I tried I knew that most likely, after a few short months, I would be thrown wildly into the bushes or would purposely toss myself off in a panic. Seems that the older I get, the faster that wheel spins. So I followed sage advice, kept close to my heart for all of my mature adult years, “the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.” I did what any strong, independent feminist would do;
I called up a friend who I knew would be interested and I had a sweet and satisfying one-night stand.I thought that maybe if I didn’t have deep feelings for someone I could just have sex with them without any need for commitment and I chose someone who I knew I had no chance of having a future with. He really was just not what I was looking for in a reliable and stable long-term relationship. Unfortunately, the sex was stupid good and I guess I started to have feelings for him.
I know, it probably didn’t help to repeat our arrangement, and I am sure the flood of hormones that comes with multiple intimate encounters with someone didn’t make things any easier. So I did my best to set aside my emotions and I took some time for self-reflection on the matter. I knew I wasn’t getting back on that monolithic wheel of monogamy but was there a way I could still love someone without the need for commitment? Is there a way I could assert some independence and autonomy into love?
Easy, Breezy, Autonomy
During my exploration of non-monogamous love, I started searching for people who were similarly inclined. I continued to have sex with the former “one-night stand” and also began dating other people as well. I started to think about my relationships from a very different perspective and it felt exciting, almost as if I were being called to it instead of searching it out. I started to find that there were other people like me, who were conscious of how short life really is and the extreme comprises a lot of us are asked to make in order to be deemed “worthy” of a real monogamous relationship.
I’ve always been one to question things. Over analyzing the bottomless pit of self. Now, after being faced with the side of autonomy that does not please me, namely jealousy, I have had to take a good hard look at why I decided to take this particular path. As far as I can tell, it really comes down to not being interested in the alternative options. I am not interested in jumping into a primary relationship as I still have a lot of exploring I would like to do, both of people and the world and I am also not interested in relationships based squarely on sexual interaction. I know for myself that I need to be attracted to someone’s personality in order to be attracted to them sexually and I do love going on dates, cuddling, and PDA. Ultimately, I find myself looking for real, intimate, connections without monogamous commitment and this is what I have found in the autonomous world of polyamory.
Being a Unicorn
They call us Unicorns because we are thought to be mythical creatures. Difficult to find, we come in many shapes, sexes, and sizes but what we all have in common is that we enjoy dating couples. I especially enjoy dating couples who have children.
Maybe it comes from my love of being an aunt or my previous experience as a nanny over the years but dating couples who have kids is really fulfilling to me. I enjoy feeling like we are all in this together and that I can take some of the weight off my partners when it comes to doing laundry, making dinner and juggling the kids. The thing that really gets me is the mornings. The three of us, cuddled up in bed together, when one of the children comes and squeezes in between dad and I for morning snuggles.
I remember once, one of the little ones had crawled in for morning cuddles but mommy and daddy were wanting to sleep in and asked her to go play. She didn’t want to, so I asked her if she wanted to go cuddle on the couch and watch some cartoons with me instead and she smiled. We left mommy and daddy to rest while we watched silly shows on the television, the two of us curled up in a blanket. Her, eating mini-yogurts, while I drank my morning cup of tea. I guess I do really crave that feeling of family and community but without the responsibility of being a full-time parent. This lifestyle has allowed me that, for which I have been very grateful.
Maybe one day I will want to settle down with one partner. Maybe one day I will want to have children of my own.
For now, this is what is calling me. This is where I have found myself and a love that makes sense to me. A freedom of choice, a respect of peoples individuality, autonomy, and an appreciation for the limited time we have, of which I would rather spend focusing on love over fear.
Do you have experience with polyamory? Have you had difficulty dealing with jealousy in your relationships? In what form of relationships do you find the most peace and security? We would love to hear from you! Questions or comments, please send us a message or comment in the section below and we will be sure to get back to you right away!